I departed with one of my friends recently, he sent me this message after our last physical/verbal goodbye
We had a lot deep conversations, through which I believe you are a super kind, smart, and moral personality. Please don’t say other people think you are smart, you are one of the smartest guys I’ve ever met, no need to prove it.
I wish you all the best, take care of yourself. I’ll see you in Europe.
These kind of comments are somewhat often to be received. It's almost as if I gave the impression of ok this is from another quote
You must know right? You look like the person who got it all figured it out.
Sometimes I'm very confused. I can't also say that I got it all figured it out. Because the meaning of the word means that there's nothing else to figure out.
I have an intense and often times debilitating depression or at least anxiety. I don't know how to remove it from myself. I can only understand it better how the feelings came into being and how much of it has become a part of me.
I had people telling me that I am mentally unstable.
I had people that I love that left me with the reason that I am mentally unstable.
These mean words and with the intense emotions that came with has become a repressed memory that dances inside my head that later fuels as self-hate.
I had people that have told me that I am never going far with my startup and my time is better spent to do something else. I didn't do my startup to prove those people wrong rather I do it because I find it to be mentally stimulating at that time. Proving them wrong is just a byproduct.
The Paradox in of itself somehow what I would like to describe as the fuel.
Had I really got it all figured it out, I wouldn't have written any of these articles. I state it from time to time, I write not only because I really like doing it but also it proves itself as one of the best way to understand myself. The origin of my debilitating spells of feelings that I found unpleasurable and wanted to get rid off it. Maybe it's true that I have chemical imbalances on my brain. Maybe it's true that there are some certain flairs or characteristics that comes with inborn as I have someone from my family member that has mental illness. Maybe it's true that there are certain rules of amplification of emotions that are decided by the genes. Maybe some people are just having the fixed capabilities to be more emotional than other people. Even if it's true, it's almost as if I'm phrasing myself that I am "doomed/destined" to feel these feelings that I found unpleasurable at times.
If it's true then the only thing I can do is through understanding and acceptance. To leverage the cards that I have dealt with and use it with the best of my ability. I can't keep sitting on the corner of the room and ask God why must I be cursed with my condition. As much as I would like to ask God to do my math homework, the math homework won't do itself until I grabbed the pen to write the solution about it. My condition is not much far from the metaphor. I can't change the experience and the mean people that I have met in the past. Yes there are research about repressed memories and mental trauma and of the goal of psychotheraphy is to dig in to the source of the feelings and better understand the origin and acceptance. I just happen to be broke as fuck boi for legit theraphy and I just like writing and here comes all of these 40+ articles in a year.
The series of circumstances that happened in my life has shaped the person who I am today. I can't change the past, I can only live in the now and imagine of the future. I have been avoiding the possibility of bad emotions and make best assumptions to move forward to the future.
It just so happens that that very act of itself is what makes other people admire my work?
I have a lot of backstories that I never write on any of my articles, on how I was physically bullied in childhood, how my parents told me to stay away from most of my friends that I care about in elementary, how I was also physically abused when I misbehaved when I was a child, how I was locked in a storage room when I misbehaved.
I didn't have the best childhood, I also couldn't say that my parents didn't love me, they were just doing what they thought was best to make me grow at that time.
I grown to be a person with occasionally debilitating sense of self-doubt and in which through the sheer pressure of the self-doubt, it pushes me to create stuff out of the intent to defeat the self-doubt that I am something more than what the "Self-Doubt" thought I am. The inner conflicts from inner-monologues that goes endlessly. The Repressed describes my emotions perfectly when it says:
For a while I have been feeling as if I’m walking on a thin line in which I am not sure of what it is that even keeping me standing nor why am I not falling or even failing to consider that I am already falling.
It really is my best description of my anxiety.
I don't know if anyone feels the same way. Through series of "failed" or "unexpected turn of events" when I opened up to the wrong person at that time I thought she was the best person to open up with, I was replied with a mean response of "Your emotional baggages are your own to carry."
But fortunately, recently I was brave enough to open up that even if I'm somewhat of an outlier when it comes to heightened sense of sadness, maybe something of beauty can come out of it through the experience with me. Maybe I can write art about it that people would like. Maybe through each to its own unique experience, my unfortunate condition is not permanently bad. Being permanently bad as I have experienced through sheer sense of disbelief that "Oh fuck, I'm so dysfunctional, there isn't even a single thought of not killing myself today, I have become a dysfunctional member of society." The "Self-Doubt" that has become bigger than myself and beating me up to the dirt. Numbed me to even make another move towards something, anything.
I read books to survive through my debilitating episodes. Just for a wish that I am normal. To find that philosophers and scientists have tried with their best effort of understanding my condition and even the general human condition. I couldn't help but to say the same that I want to become like them. To create something of meaning that lasts through time. If what I am feeling is somewhat of a normal human condition, there is to be true someone somewhere even if its in the future, felt the same way that I am feeling. Seven hundred thousand people commit suicide every year. Doesn't that fact itself just shows how "fragile" humans are when subjected to uniquely dire circumstances that drove them through depersonalization and suicide ideation?
And everyone would be able to say or even someone from the voluntary suicide prevention hotline has told me in which it was written on The Inability:
“It is not your fault, don’t drag all of this on you. Trust me, even though I’m a stranger, as a human being, I care about you, and I want you to continue to live. I promise you that this will pass, you will come out of this a stronger person.
It is not your fault but you take it all on you, it is beginning to be too much to handle for your own good, I know you hated yourself because of this but please remember that it is not your fault.”
She was right and it indeed passed and I come out of a somewhat stronger person afterwards. Going through the ramp of personal hell towards self annihilation just to do a kickflip aftwards.
I don't know man, sometimes I want to rip my throat open, sometimes I'm the type of person who says "HAHAHAHAHAHA Isn't living is so fucking great?!"
The Blip is such an amazing article as it emphasizes the reason to one's greatness is through the act of exercising self-awareness:
The chemistry of roleplay between self-doubt and pride. The paradox of it that people think someone that seemingly have a lot to be proud of, actually sometimes feel alien to their own emotions.
It's something interesting and worth writing about.