This article is dedicated on how we feel life goes so fast.
I sometimes feel its sad to know that there’s a lot of things that happened and a lot of meaningful memories that happened in quarter 1, 2, 3 of 2023 yet now I feel very little memory of it. I do have pictures of it yet it still feels not as significant to how I remember November through writing. I have very little images of me and her yet somehow the memories formed so meaningful especially if I re-read the articles that I wrote in November.
Now I began to wish that there’s somehow a way to read my own feelings had I took time to write in quarter 1, 2, 3 of 2023. Beautiful moments feel like a blip sometimes. The year is ending as today is 24th of December. Life will always feel like a blip. “Time goes so fast…” quote like that. Maybe it’s due to the circumtances of how the brain handle memory, it’s not so good with vivid memories. Maintaining memory the way it happened requires a significant workload for the brain. It somehow need to recreate not only pictures of the memory but also the emotions involved with may require the brain to release certain neurotransmitter that gave us emotions based on the memory. Accounting there is only a limited amount of resource for the creation of the neurotransmitter it doesn’t make much sense for the brain to keep sustaining the vividity of our memories. Thus if it decreases the sensation of the memories, it’s nicer to accept things as the way it is and only through carved memories using medium of visual and audiotory sensations, we can recall memories even in greater detail and hope to juggle the brain ability to recall closer to the sensation.
The purpose of the writing is not only for the sake of mere “remembering”, but as these experiences will subconsciously form your characater as you deem the experiences are to be important, it is much nicer to be able to recall the meaningful memories in greater detail.
I mean The Repressed from 5th of May 2022 explains this phenomena in such a good way:
Recently, I came accross a podcast where the narrator were narrating (haha) his own experience when he was walking on the street he found an edlerly man walking with what it seems his nephew. The nephew were walking on the crossroad and suddenly stops and jumped forward once to the front and then jump two times backwards. When they finished crossing the crossroads the grandfather yelled at him “Don’t you know how stupid your actions were? Do you know that you could’ve put yourself in danger? You stupid!” The narrator explained to me, or so how I remembered it. That accident could and perhaps most likely would left a scar on that child’s heart. Quite possibly echo-ing in the child’s bed, even if the trigger if far from the context, it will still echo in the child heart as a trauma. It is surely a hurtful experience and no one likes to be crudely called out that way not even me and surely not even the elderly man himself. Especially the insult doesn’t come from an irrelevant strangers it came from his family member. The narrator of the podcast briefly explains on how he struggled with hurtful comments that he received along his life and as I remember he explained to me that the most hurtful comment is not that the one that is gibberish and seemingly random but the ones that you deeply is true and having someone hear and call you out on that is what sent you away. It is what kept ringing in your head because you know what they said it’s unfortunately true and it is what you fear the most or even the part of yourself that you hate the most.
I would argue that even if the child has grow up and he may feel a similar feeling when he was called by his grandfather stupid, he barely wouldn’t recognize the true source of the origin in which resembles the pain of being called out that way. The experience has simply become a part of him.
It is true. The experiences that we have will inevitably shape our character. I really like how V indirectly add to this argument as well
You have to proud and confident about the things that you write and put on that letter bc they have a personal reason why they were put on there. That personal reason means experience, history and memories that motivated you and gave you new perspectives in life. The snowball that rolled up to that point is filled with so many important experiences for yourself which should allow you to give out that letter without any doubts on how other people think.
The experiences that indirectly gave new perspectives in life even if it means rooted by repressed memories that are not clear or vivid in nature yet it shapes us making decisions moving forward.
I’m a true believer that the people you surround yourself with will at least contribute partially to your character. Because your people means experience.
I am truly grateful for the people that I’ve met along these years. I want to personally thank them as much as I thank V but maybe because V is really a snowflake because of the degree of meaning that she has both directly amd indirectly gave to me. Directly as in i.e how much she supports me when I told her I want to be a writer and indirectly as in i.e my personal reflection to my self-awareness understanding the difficult condition between me and V that leads to the creation of The Art.
There’s a lot of character or people that I’ve meet or rather just met in a significantly more personal way in 2023. I really really want to thank them for making 2023 more colorful.
Life is truly is just a sum of experience in which these experiences some are meaningful through self reflection and experience with the other. I want them to know how much they are meaningful to me as much as they have helped carved my character.
I have a proposition that maybe life would feel less like a blip if I have more self awareness, if I’m more honest to myself. If I’m able to say thank you to the people that have been nice to me. Treat them with kindness as much as they have deserved as much as recently I feel I have gained a siginificant amount of self awarness comparatively to previous years.
I am only 22 years old now.
I have moved from wanting to kill myself at 20 years old that sharpened my need for self awareness that formed the 22 years old character now.
I moved from wanting to kill myself to moving the idea of suicide to 30 years old to loving living.
I want to feel alive. As I wrote on my note yesterday
Wow…
I’m alive
And it feeels so great…
I think I have the experience to feel the move from intense nihihlism that life has become bleak and utterly meaningless to believing that the only thing responsible for my own happiness is myself.
As I want to quote myself from writing these beautiful thoughts yesterday.
It feels like yesterday I feel such a banger of an insanely meaningful line of thoughts yesterday, yet the sensation already feels losing away today.
The reiteration of those thoughts, I need to revisit and write with an article called The Awareness. The Awareness will be dedicated to talk about the importance of self awareness in greater detail.
Also I want to write The Stranger as we meet people as initially strangers but being brave enough to talk to them and spending time with them, getting to know their character, and have beutiful moments together makes part the majority of the essence of life. Influenced by my realization from my meeting with a 65 year old engineer at the park and asked him if he lived around this area then snowballed into talking about our meaning of life, personal principles that he held high to navigate through life. He ended up introducing his wife and they invited me to his house to further talk and have some tea. When we departed I told him how much I'm thankful to have meet him as I believe the things he have told me will be really useful as it will shape my line of thoughts and new perspective in life. I will also probably send The Stranger to him as well. Hahaha love it.