The Twilight starts at 16.28
I made her listen to my piece of what I call “The Art”. It’s a tragic tale where a man stood confused not knowing and not understanding what “love” means when “love” suddenly comes to him. He always thought “love” is a conscious act and requires active decision making. Love presents to him in the form of agitations and frustration that spiralled inside out of him. All he wanted to know was to understand. Understand the absurdity of the human emotions that are derived from human experiences.
To know what is “the nature”. The Man was quite surprised out of his loneliness and fear of abandonment by his parents that have a different worldview than him, and was in a state lonelier than ever, he happened to find a girl that happens to have the same worldview as him. “She is very clever” the man thinks. Not knowing subconsciously, the more time the man talked to her, the more he adored her.
In a world where God is nothing more than ideas by the selves. The quest of his belonging is completely up to him. He realised that she may not be into him. She just happens to help him with his questions and happens to be very clever. Her angle of thoughts. Thus she is special to him.
The man wanted to move on but the agitations did not leave him be. “What is this?! Do I not have any free will of my emotions?!” The man questioned.
The man wrote a list of questions and reasons of what it means to be human out of frustration of the experience coming out of her and called it the notebook of “Soul Crushing Questions.” He did not want to believe the existence of God yet wanted to believe that his feeling is of something special and it is not to be underestimated to be just a biological machinery.
“She could influence my emotions because I allow her to influence me. Through our series of interactions. She proves herself to be something of value to me.”
“Thus, before I met her, she as a stand alone is meaningless to me.”
In this by nature the standard? The man asked.
“Thus everything in life must be inherently meaningless to me until I give them meaning or the other reveals that they are something of value that is realised by experiences.
The man believes but remains sceptical of the idea.
“Is everything in life really inherently meaningless?”
He tried to make art to prove his point. The process of making the art was long and frustrating. The art starts with a blank black canvas in which points move in space tracing a line in a way that is random yet grounded by rules to the point there is a nice level of randomness yet fine-tuned to reveal something of beauty enough to be different every time that the art is generated. The variables that are contained in the art makes it extremely improbable even impossible to generate the same art twice. The artist even tried to make his friends see the art knowing that they will not see what the artist saw beforehand since the art is new every time but the artist knows that is what makes the art special.
The girl eventually sees the art and deem to like it, not knowing the piece is derived from the man’s frustration and his best effort to prove that beauty of the art is much like the beauty of her presence and experiences in that man’s life. Something of chaotic randomness yet so ordered, beautiful, and subjectively meaningful at the same time.
The man realised that his theory is right. She is of nothing but a meaningful coincidence. The man does not believe in the unity between the man and her is out of faith but rather by subjective beautifulness perceived by the self that is from sheer coincidence. But it is still innerly beautiful, at least personally beautiful to the man.
The man is glad that now he knows that he understands more about human nature than before.
The art is beautiful by some and is not by some.
A tragic and ironic resemblance of the man’s experience with her. The man feels something beautiful but the same couldn’t be said with her. Since love is a subjective experience.
The man got the answer to his question but he is still disturbed. “Now if she’s going to have the credit, she’s just going to have more value to me?!!” The man started to be more frustrated than before and his questions kept proliferating the more the man answered more questions. Like chopping the head of a hydra.
The man dug more about the nature of being human. He spent every day thinking about it.
“The self is a good mix of the product of the external and a degree of the exercise of thought and ideas to reason information coming from outside to be pondered internally.
The self will always move in a plane where it inevitably meets other selves and different conditions that influence the self. Yet through this the self still can think for oneself and make authentic thoughts that came from reasoning.
The man thinks this is to be true that she is only partly credible as much as the man can’t escape the agitations and heart beat racing that came from her as if it’s a natural response to be influenced by her presence. Yet the man through reasoning and ideas came to his own authentic belief that produces another outcome that is different from other men that may have fallen for her. Thus the man is authentic and worthy of free will as he exercised his reasoning and free will.
From incoherent rambling and unstructured ideas from the soul crushing notebook, the man started to form multiple essays of the human condition. The man asked his friends for feedback about the quality of his ideas. The ideas were quite strong and gave his friends a beautiful experience. The man feels happy that her feelings were affirmed by his friends that he dearly cared.
The man was always somewhat of a critical thinker.
He was diagnosed with speech impairment in his early age.
Made fun in school and was quite dumb.
He spent his whole life trying to understand what does it mean to be human. And if there’s anything that he wants in life is to understand what does it mean to be human and not to be perceived abnormal.
He went to therapy that he did not like but yet credible enough that he now can place himself as a functioning member of society.
He enjoyed reading and making ideas about being human.
And this is one of his toughest times that he felt the best way out of his misery and frustration is through an honest confession. As he believes that all human conflict came out of a mismatch to each to its own human will and representation of the world. And it is time to sync his will and representation of the world to hers.
He musters up his courage and confesses to the girl. In which the girl listened and understood and when asked for a reply, she quite doesn’t feel the same way as he feels. The man knows the right way to love her is to also understand her.
Now both her and his will and representation of the world is synchronised. He’s able to overcome his frustration and express his sincere gratitude for her existence that has intentionally or unintentionally helped him through his self transformation journey and that is his undying love to understand what does it mean to be human.
She in return could express her emotions out of this overall beautiful experience and appreciate the encounter with him and the feelings he has brought to her.
Both are very honest and mature to settle and synchronise each to its own will and representation of the world and to be able to adjust and buffer both feelings accordingly.
Both now had the chance to openly convey their heartfelt appreciation for each other’s presence and the meaningful encounter that had enriched their lives in this short span of time.
We will soon be departing and I am so glad I did the right thing. I wholly know that I will suffer more in mind if these “human feelings” were to be left unexpressed in person before we departed.
This is truly one of the most intense heights of the human experience I’ve ever been glad and fortunate enough to experience.
Thank you, my twilight.