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I don’t really know how long I can survive being like this. Some people can say I am so detached by “The Now.” They would say I’m frustrated because I think of frequently of the things what can be or what could have been. I don’t think it’s true, I’m just sad. As much as everyone must have feel at some point the sadness that ever so apparently to come out of nowhere. I am feeling that. It just sucks that there’s a great magnitude of the amplification of my sadness. The episodes were intense and depersonalization happen again. The “Want” to not be myself. The “Want” to detach myself from “The Now” in which “The Now” of sadness must be experienced.
What I come to an agreement with myself is by means of acceptance of the absurdity of the sadness. The acceptance that it is true there are things outside of my control that I have zero control of. My ex broke up with me because she says that I’m too unstable. She is true, I am as unstable as she perceived me to be, implying that there are countless more stable people in the world. Why must she commit herself to me where there are simply better options? Maybe the better term must be “Irritatively Sad” in which the sadness now not only intense for me but also leaks to the person around me. No one likes being sad and want to be near sad people. It’s too volatile, too hard to handle, “Why can’t this person just have a grip?” These words are what further embraces the other person forward self-alienation and depersonalization.
I can’t get a grip sometimes, the only grip I have is towards writing by means of survival. What am I without my writings?
It’s also irritating how there is a human nature that likes to project oneself to the other. “Yeah I must have felt sad at some point and I can handle it pretty well then why can’t this guy?” The individualized self that inevitably potrays oneself to the other as means of understanding now backfires. They obviously know that everyone grew up in different circumstances and thus each brain is personalized. The emotions by mean of reflects toward circumstances is to a certain extent is unique as well. How many people do you know that writes when they are sad? Some people chooses a more leisure activity like talking to the people they trust when they are sad. It just happens to me that through series of occasions when I open up to the other, they did try to be supportive, but it always backfires. They say things like “Yeah I felt that too sometimes, then why can’t you get a grip as much as I did?” I realized that the answer must not be outside rather to be inside. Thus, writing to better understand myself.
It is true that 700,000 people comitted suicide every year and the majority of the ages are between 20 - 35. I don’t really care if you think 700,000 is a small number compared to the world population. The fact is just out there by means of deduction that they struggle. There’s a part of a human nature that has evolved throughout millions of years that this relatively recent modern age is unfitting for the primal emotions of humans. The collapsing expectations being projected by the other towards oneself that only recently surged and maintained by the modern world. Has there been a lot of suicide cases among animals? Has there been any significant differences on the animal kingdom environment? The only apparent cases of animals with depression are the domesticated ones like hachiko or even the ones that lives in the zoo. Thus, it is true that the primordial source of human emotions are not well equiped / catched up to the modern world. Then, suicide as a deduction of voluntary act of ending one’s life is a failure for one’s emotion to buffer with the world’s expectation or one’s expectations towards life.
Reading existentialist works like Albert Camus’s proved to me that there is no inherent meaning in life. Emil Cioran showed me that there is no objective criterion for suffering. If there is no inherent meaning in life, when one is subjugated to extreme internal torture or suffering, there’s no saint to help them other than himself. There’s also a study I read somewhere, around 40% that has opened up and talked to theraphy about their suicidal tendencies ended up killing themselves. It’s almost as if the rope on their neck stays as a symbolization of a broken soul that is delaying their suicide to a uncertain end, or maybe they will able to entertain themselves in the meantime until natural death occurs.
It just sucks that the PTSD or rather the neural pathways towards the same gate towards depression stays. I can’t help but to react of the same when I’m sad. I suck! I suck at handling these emotions! I am trying my best to lift my chin up and say everything is going to be okay!
It has been certainly going better comparatively. At least I’m able to remember the progression from the immediate want of suicide, the inability to live another day, the capability to live for next week, the ability to love life, the ability to see that there is still something out of life that I yet to explore and feel.
Is believing in religion that there is an after life what really stops people from comitting suicide?
To live out of the fear of hell?
To do good out of fear of rejection of heaven?
Truly what is a more individualized idea than what comes with devotion towards religion?
Or rather they live for the sake of the now and great tomorrows?
Maybe I should also do that.
Live for the sake of the now and great tomorrows.
Is life is just a test by god or something that the conscious to live and enjoy?