What if I don’t want to put it on destiny? What if I doubt that destiny ever exists? What if there’s no handwriting of God showing me all possible scenarios and all I have to do is to be grateful at where I’m placed in? What if I don’t want to believe in destiny even if it exists?
The sum of my experiences has led up to the person that I am now. I know every significance regret that I have in life. In which those times are mainly caused by my lack of self-awareness and lack of weight that I put on the future condition. After writing The Moment. I feel it’s a deadass strong argument when I say
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“What the fuck is the definition of “Life well lived”? A life with less regret? A life to be proud of to have lived? I have lived and heard that there’s no guarantee as long as you go older you will have your life sorted out. I’ve talked to old people well older my age and still confused to the question of the meaning of life.”
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One of it was when I choose my bioengineering major. I was a coward back then. With decision influenced by self doubt and seeking comfort knowing that I would certainly pass because it’s passing grade is lower than computer science. The degree that I initially really wanted. I lie to myself for the next four years and instead learn computer science on my own. I was just to apply a masters scholarship in which the masters degree that I wanted mainly revolves around informatics as they have their own compulsory courses that I must’ve taken prior in which I never took in my bachelors. I don’t want to spend another masters being forced to spend time studying the things I don’t care or lack in practicality of usefullness from my hand.
One thing I can formulate is “Regret is mainly formed by the lack of accrediting weight for the future self.” At least for me at that time me and my family was putting it on “faith” or “destiny”. It’s so fucking annoying, almost as if saying “God has plans and God’s plan is ultimately good for us.” “No? If that’s the case then why seven hundred thousand people kill themselves every year? At a Minimum!” “Because God exists in the head! You make your own reasons when a good thing happened or a bad thing happened! You can suck God’s cock as much as you want to, it won’t make your Allah more real than Jesus! Beacuse it exists only in your head! You make your own reasons and your belief gets more stronger the more you believe in it! Why don’t might as well just beleive in yourself! Have some fucking spine!”
I’m so tired to put it on “Destiny is written, just relax.” What if I don’t want to relax? What if in order to achieve something of greatness I must put much mental energy and dedication to shape the future I really want? Even if I don’t achieve it I’ll at least know in my deathbed that I’ve been trying my best! Why won’t God appreciate me if I put my meaning of life is to make other humans happy and find the higher truth even if it’s the cost He’s being wrong! Doesn’t God loves all humans? Why do I deserve hell if my meaning of life and how I spent it is by the best of my ability to do work that I know has value for me and for other humans?
What if I need to think about the future in order for my present self to have some awe into loving what I’m really doing? She is partly right when she says we can’t lose ourselves by constantly thinking about the future. But without my ability of thinking about the beautiful future that I want to be in where I give the most amount of value for me and for other humans, my present self would be dead inside! I need to know if my time is worth living! I need to love what I’m doing! What if my line of thoughts to have such intensity towards love for the future and crying out loud for meaning is the result of my past experiences that drove me into suicidal tendencies where the present and the future used to have no meaning. It only has self-hate and suffering. The present state was a constant state of suffering, self-doubt, agony, and lack of motivation to even eat. I cry myself when I eat thinking I’ve been lying to my parents and they’re thinking everything is alright. I cry myself on the street when I thought to myself “Have I always been doing in life is make other humans sad? Have I always been driving them towards enthusiasm and let they put their trust onto me just for me to tore it all down as if it was nothing because I was immersed too much in the joy of the present I put less weight to the future? I trust less of my present emotions that is just “spur of the moment.” I want to feel something that has BASE. In which that BASE lies strongly in the future.
I don’t want to live in the present and call myself a “lifeless fleeting soul” ever again. Never again. Once was enough. I really really never want to experience that moment ever again. I want to have a BASE in which that base gives soul to my present hands. I walk towards the future as easy as the now become the past and the future becomes the now. I live each and every day fact checking myself if this is what I really want. I write ever so often for my future self can look back and familiarize himself that he is doing something that my past self thought was his best assumption towards the best meaning of life. To have a life well lived with less regrets.
There was a time in my life where I tried to be happy in the moment while I have ZERO BASE on the future, NEGATIVE BASE even. I know tomorrow is just another day where I need to lie to my parents and the people I love the most working for my startup. I tried my best to at least be happy in the moment by doing the things I thought I used to like. But it just doesn’t help. It doesn’t help. I always teared up breaking down thinking “Why must I lost the joy at the things I used to like. I used to like these. Why must everything feels so painful? Why can’t I look forward tomorrow? How can other people look forward for tomorrow? Why am I different? I have done horrible things. No one betrays other people trust. Have I really lost the ability to look forward in tomorrow? Tomorrow is just going to have more pain.” That’s why the story of The Regret is so personal to me! The alien condition when one is subjugated to lose hope in tomorrow in a sense that Dave knows that tomorrow will not going to be different as today as yesterday and each previous days are no different than today. The constant state of alienation and “lifeless fleeting soul” state. Droves each of the crew into unbearing want of suicide. Because that’s how I felt! That’s how I felt! That’s my human feelings! I’m a human! I seek meaning! That’s what humans do! I make the best assumption of what I think has the most value so I can be a sane human being!
Maybe through the delivery of
Like how The Phantom delivers the concept