It's obvious that our brain has a limited amount of resources throughout the day, the pleasure of motivation and distraction fighting over the same limited resource of dopamine. This is not shown only metaphorically in the brain but our time fighting for "thoughts" or "intents". I have been writing less recently simply because I am more engaged with other activities than writing, one of them is engaging in the financial markets and the sheer amount of scrolling through memes on Instagram reels and playing video games. It's fun and engaging and at the end of the day I only have 24 hours for myself (including sleeping). Intent or thoughts to do things are in a constant battle inside the unconscious, making "reasons" why we should do things instead of other things, motivation or even the "Will" perhaps.
The "Will" is also subconsciously making mental calculations as the net positive "Will" will grant the activity to be more leisurely done.
The Will is composed of this mental calculation:
The Will = Sum Feelings About Doing Activity + The Perceived Emotions when the Activity is done (Future)
The sum of mental calculation of doing the activity and the result of getting it done. The "Will" can sluggishly justify doing very soul crushing tasks like doing organic chemistry homework that the self really hates, but it really wants to delete the feeling of regret, uneasiness, knowing that it must be handed over to your course tomorrow.
This approach is the same reason why your friends seem bewildered by the fact of seeing you writing every day, almost as if inhuman. But everyone has the same positive feedback loop when it comes to motivation, intent, and 'The Will" to do things.
As The Intent: Emphasizing the Intent of Creating Arts from Dec 2023, explained it:
I can't help but suddenly remember when she asked me why I write all the time and I proceed to explain to her "I don't know, I guess it makes me fulfilled?" Actually it's more like this because sometimes there's a tingling sensation, almost as if there's a force and it usually happens when I feel that I "experienced too much stuff" to the point that line of words suddenly emerges in my head, almost begging to be written. I simply submit to the calling.
And you also know damn pretty well you're so happy when you're writing, that's why you're craving it.
and The Inability to be Oneself from fucking July 2022 explained it:
I am not ashamed of any of my writings, all of them are and have been my honest voice. I write not to entertain, I write because I need to, It gives me a sense of purpose and desire, I fucking love writing.
and The Heaven: If heaven were to be the exact thing as this life, I will be happy from Sep 2022 explained the regret of not writing:
If there’s any regret that I could have in my life, is that I wish I could write more. Life feels to short sometimes...
and The State: States as staple that grounds meaningful memories explains how writing can be a role on putting a flag of emotions and living
Through these writings, days feel much more memorable and alive. Frankly, there are times in my life when I feel “Fuck, months passed by so fast, It’s almost as if last year was yesterday.” I will not say the same for this year. This year has been fucking massive. Overall net fucking positive experience.
and The Blip: Why life seems to go so fast, years feel like a blip
Life is truly just a sum of experience in which these experiences are meaningful through self reflection and experience with the other.
I have a proposition that maybe life would feel less like a blip if I have more self awareness, if I’m more honest to myself. If I’m able to say thank you to the people that have been nice to me. Treat them with kindness as much as they have deserved as much as recently I feel I have gained a significant amount of self awareness comparatively to previous years.
I am only 22 years old now.
I have moved from wanting to kill myself at 20 years old that sharpened my need for self awareness that formed the 22 years old character now.
I moved from wanting to kill myself to moving the idea of suicide to 30 years old to loving living.
I want to feel alive. As I wrote on my note yesterday
Wow…
I’m alive
And it feeels so great…
To experience the feeling of moving from intense nihilism that life has become bleak and utterly meaningless to believing that the only thing responsible for my own happiness is myself.
As The Blip, also explains how the brain is feeble with memory as the reason why life always seem to go so fast:
Now I began to wish that there’s somehow a way to read my own feelings had I taken time to write in quarter 1, 2, 3 of 2023. Beautiful moments feel like a blip sometimes. The year is ending as today is 24th of December. Life will always feel like a blip. “Time goes so fast…” quote like that. Maybe it’s due to the circumstances of how the brain handles memory, it’s not so good with vivid memories. Maintaining memory the way it happened requires a significant workload for the brain. It somehow needs to recreate not only pictures of the memory but also the emotions involved with it may require the brain to release certain neurotransmitters that give us emotions based on the memory. Accounting there is only a limited amount of resources for the creation of the neurotransmitter it doesn’t make much sense for the brain to keep sustaining the vividity of our memories. Thus if it decreases the sensation of the memories, it’s nicer to accept things as the way it is and only through carved memories using a medium of visual and auditory sensations, we can recall memories even in greater detail and hope to juggle the brain ability to recall closer to the sensation. [Especially when our thoughts that represents our feelings and emotions on that period are carved in stone through writing.]
Now coming back to the mental calculation
The Will = Sum Feelings About Doing Activity + The Perceived Emotions when the Activity is done (Future)
I believe, what recently happened is that, the perceived emotions always live in a metaphysical state, in which it's harder to pin down, it's hypothetical in nature, but as much as anticipation say for example, you're going to meet your crush tomorrow, even though you haven't meet them, the image of the future can greatly influence the current emotion, despite the fact it lives inside your very own metaphysical state of imagination.
This is exactly how it's explained on the article, Short Term Over Long Term:
I believe meaning is a function from the future that is passed down to the present in which enables me to love writing and takes time in writing. Because I know my purpose in writing is to better understand myself, immortalize my thoughts, and to take a trip down memory lane full of meaningful ideas.
I think it's nice to have a general understanding or best assumption towards the future, but the future is just an outline. An outline can be changed as the nature of "best understanding" is everchanging. It is true that the "dream" that is a function from the future is the one that gives some sense of soul in the present. The outcome of having "emotions" and "desires". We don't need to think about the future CONSTANTLY, we only need to think about it couple of times, it serves as an outline, the soul and the emphasis of the flow that exists in the NOW remains in the NOW. The very act of enjoying and happiness that one is doing out of its own conviction.
The unconscious is obviously much stronger than the conscious, it'll be a very tiring act for us to do every mental calculation of "The Will" equation everytime we want to do something, that's why habits and cues are formed. Grain yourself with habits that you believe are not only good for the present, but also for the sake of yourself in the future, our brain is fighting off limited resources. As when any deed is done, cognitive dissonance will give a reason to do practically anything you've done, even if it's the thing that you know with utmost certainty that you could've done something else.
This is hard because the self is placed in the world knowing that he is the sole captain of his own ship of happiness. travelling in the sea called life. yet he is troubled that he doesn't know what he wants. The only air to navigate the wooden ship is only the wind of emotions. The wind of emotions helped him move his ship but sometimes could also lead him to a place that he regrets going. The wise captain studies the nature of the wind and learns from every of his bad journeys as his "Will" is always backed by some grain of wind or his very own emotions. For without the wind of emotions. the rational mind is completely dysfunctional. unable to move the ship to be stuck statically floating on the dead sea. Only through trial and error, the self can tame his emotions and make it work side by side, making him travel to the unwanted islands less and less. The whole point of the journey is to make the captain a better navigator than yesterday, even if it took him his lifetime. He always knows that he always enjoys looking at the sea and holding the ship's steering wheel. He knows that it's much better than letting the ship of happiness go for wherever the wind takes it.