The Books
Yesterday I was reading a book, it's called "Emotional: The New Thinking About Feelings" written by Leonard Mlodinow. I've read a lot of books and I'm trying to puzzling things out how there are only certain books or even "passages" that are able to be really strong in memory that shapes major part of my personality. I want to dedicate an article for it.
One of the strongest influencing book is obviously "Abyss of Madness" written by George E Atwood. He has gotten a significant citation in my articles. As one of it in The Opinion:
There are new "opinions" not just about the sun and the moon, but more interesting stuff like from George E Atwood where he proposes that everyone is prone to mental illness, people often fall to "madness" / [mental illness] not because a bad thing happens, but rather the good stops happening. As I quote from his book, Abyss of Madness:
Sometimes what happens in the fall into the abyss is that the sustaining events of our lives cease to occur. Sanity is sustained by the network of validating, affirming connections that exist in a person’s life, connecting to other beings. If those links fail, one falls. Strip any person of their sustaining links to others, and that person falls. No one is immune, because madness is a possibility of every human life.
The Heaven also cited Epictitus and Arthur Schopenhauer:
Also another great quote from Epictitus
“Men are not influenced by things, but by their thoughts about things”
Back to Arthur Schopenhauer
“The ordinary man places his life's happiness in things external to him, in property, rank, wife and children, friends, society, and the like, so that when he loses them or finds them disappointing, the foundation of his happiness is destroyed. In other words, his centre of gravity is not in himself; it is constantly changing its place, with every wish and whim.”
The book, emotional has also shifted my perception on how to see emotions. Though, I've been proposing my own theories about emotions on The Art on how Emotions and "Thoughts or Reasoning" come into play
It’s funny that I think she escalated the whole “Free will crisis” thing. By just being herself and making me funnily agitated. There was this one time where I practically fucking shaking my hand like a guy with parkinson disease out of excitement that I could finally talk to her about physics which physics has a really good base on philosophy. I don’t think she ever realised what it means. I mean she’s totally not into me and that’s cool, I need to fucking cool it down with the agitations. The agitations kind of spiralled down to a whole thesis of “What if you have just been reacting to your emotions your whole life?”
If you have just been reacting to your emotions your whole life, then what is the meaning of life? How autonomous are your decisions in life? Are your thoughts authentic or is it just a reflex from the external environment that you are unable to control? I would really really like to answer the meaning of life and free will. The soul crushing questions took a conclusion that In order for life to have meaning, I must believe that meaning is personal and inner, something that I created on my own, something that I assign meaning into it, but in that sense that thing or things must be inherently meaningless before I assign meaning into it, thus life is inherently meaningless. This idea was until now, my most important philosophy. I made art to prove that something that seemingly so random and chaotic could leave an impression on people that can be deemed “beautiful” or gave them a “beautiful experience”. I proved myself out of the art.
To reiterate my point from that snippet, "meaning" only comes through perception, in which no meaning can be created without going through at least consciousness. Thus, everything in life, must be inherently meaningless before going through one's consciousness or at least self-awareness.
Emotional by Leonard Mlodinow really puts an emphasis on between the role play between emotions and thoughts, as he cleverly puts it:
Matters of the heart are the most important matters, and the most difficult to decipher. The new science of emotion has expanded our self-knowledge. We now know that emotion is profoundly integrated into the neural circuits of our brains, inseparable from our circuits for "rational" thought. We could live without the ability to reason, but we would be completely dysfunctional if we couldn't feel. Emotion is a part of the mental machinery we share with all higher animals, but even more than rationality its role in our behavior is what sets us apart from them.
I'm a self-awareness maximalist. As how I see it, having a "greater" sense of self awareness is what saved me from one of my suicidal ideation episodes. Or at least the act of exercising self-awareness, as I quote from The Joy on how a stranger helped me exercise my self awareness in which I can totally be dead without it:
There was a time where I used to call the suicide prevention hotline to some point I began to see the pattern on how they handle these. They would like to try to get me thinking to circle back on the times that I was quite relatively a functioning member of society. As if they would like to understand how these suicidal tendencies emerge as if i have fallen from having a relatively stable amplitude to the point that now the amplitude changes and I have fallen to a lower baseline that I couldn’t familiarize myself as I am now in an uncharted territories of depression. I answered him, “It’s almost as if everyone has their own meaning in life and is capable of creating meaning out of nothing in which I am unable to do so.” “That is very deep” the guy on the telephone replied and then asked again “So how do you think about it that way?”
In which I replied “I think I used to have a meaning in life, in which it has been stripped away. I disappointed the people that I loved the most. It’s fucking over in the most ironic way. I built meaning just to burn it myself. Now I am unfamiliar with myself as I can no longer rationalise the decision that I made and I no longer trust myself making any decision. Killing myself seems like a justified action as I will no longer bring unhappiness to the people that have known me. I’m a fraud, a liar, a despicable being. I just couldn’t wake up another day hating myself. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I want to kill myself so so badly. I began to see hallucinations of my dead body all over the place. Strange but familiar and doable ideas that began to materialise in front of my own very eyes. Dead body on the ceiling, Dead body on the floor. Dead body on the street. I couldn’t walk past the street without a single idea not to crash myself into the car. The only thing I have left is feeling bad for the people that would need to clean up my mess.”
The guy on the telephone kind of froze and started to climb up some words from his throat. I could hear he’s struggling. We sort of talked and I explained what really went down in the last week of November 2021 and I would like to keep it a secret for this audio. He sort of explained in this line “But hey, these feelings actually come from conscience. It may be true that you fucked up a lot and ruined the trust that have laid out to you but it’s important that you are able to see and feel bad about it, because it means that you still have conscience. Had you not had a conscience you can just not feel bad at all regardless of the consequences that you have brought.
He puts it that conscience or the ability to differentiate good and bad, is a human thing to have and basically implies that I am a good human being for my ability to differentiate good and bad, while the fact is I've done something bad, the ability to acknowledge that and feel bad about doing the bad thing which leads to my suicide ideation, is something that comes from being a good human being.
I wrote a physical letter to my good friend who happens to also be my boss in my company, on my departure day as a confession on how much I'm grateful to have learned from him. It was a 5 page letter and I think it's really good and I'm really proud how amazing the letter is, I'm going to rewrite it here:
Hi K
It was a great experience; much of the consulting work I've been involved and observed has become sybolic of the human condition. The idea that our CFO emphasizes that "businesses must create something valuable for the world" parallels the same necessity for individual humans. It's not just that they are compelled; humans also tend to feel a sense of sadness when they can't find meaning in their lives. As Ikigai suggests, 'be good at what you are doing and what you are good at is what the world needs.'
As a form of self actualization, which is subjective because joy is only experienced subjectively, you've mentioned "I mean, for me whatever you do, just make sure you're the best at it.' This encapsulates the entire meaning of 'self actualization'. I believe that, by nature, all humans want to prove to themselves that they have value in existing -- a fundemental desire to be useful. In the modern economically centric world, one must prove themselves through some 'talent' that represents usefulness that sets them apart from others. This innate calling, is, I believe something that needs to be answered; otherwise, one might find themselvews in a disturbing state, questioning whether there could be something more in life that could bring greater fulfillment.
[...]
The symbolism in how you treat your clients. From my perspective, there's a profound value that manifests when you express 'When you're happy, then I'm happy.' It indicates a genuine intent, suggesting that our actions are not solely driven by payment but also ensuring our clients are satisfied with the work we deliver. This creates a perpetual cycle of value exchange between two individuals representing their respective companies.
This ultimate act of selflessness, where 'The Self' is defined in relation to others, mirrors the human condition. Just as one person can't define themselves in isolation, a consultant company too, can't establish its identity without acknowledging the existence of other companies. The innate desire for 'Self Actualization' drives individuals to prove their signifiacnce, not only for personal fulfillment but also for the benefit of others. Standing alone, the self struggles to survive, as it's identity is intrically woven into the fabric of interactions with others.
The experiences with you have played a significant role in shaping my character. Inwardly, the experiences contribute to my personal growth, while outwardly, they allow me to define my place among other individuals / the world. The growth in character resulting from our interactions has been truly meaningful.
The value of time and money: when discussing the importance of doing 'meaningful/valuable' work, you demonstrated the great importance of 'not wasting time'. This is evident in your rhetorical example: 'We are literally unable to afford to waste our clients' time. We are talking to directors and high net worth individuals.' Your commitment to professionalism, and the high regard you hold for managing your time seriously, were apparent... ;) The passion that shows in understanding one's role for the company was palpable. I genuinely appreciate the 'time' you 'took' to explain it all to me.
Awesome, Awesome person, awesome experience. All the best in your journey in life. Very thankful for you, K.
Signed, your thankful friend.
In which he reads it the same day I gave the letter to him in which he said:
Just read your note. Thank you for it! One of the first steps to having a fulfilling life is self awareness and I think you have it nailed down. It was great working with you and watching you grow rapidly. I always believe that this experience should benefit you in some way or other and I'm glad that you had a great time here! Feel free to reach out to me for anything at all in the future and safe travels!
I don't think I have ever pay a lot of attention to the word "Self Awarness" in which now he brought it to me on a silver platter. Almost as if: Ah yeah, all of these introspections and self reflections are out of "Self Awareness" on how The Art was created as the first spark of "Creative Writing" that started on 11 November and snowballed to 54 articles by 31 December.
I really appreciate books as how I would simply puts it, books are great when it gave us a higher sense of self awareness. I had a chat with my little brother the other day, I asked him why did she stopped learning about philosophy, in which he said: "Because studying philosophy doesn't makes me money." In which my perception is more like:
"Don't see it as a literal function, see it as a process, books that you read will give you new insights, new lens on how to see the world in which it may be true or not, all opinions or all words that are written by other people are only good words if it helps you become a better human being by your own standard. Reading other people words will not directly gives you money, but shifting your perceptions, aligning your goals on how to position yourself in the plane of the world with better understanding and higher self awareness does."
The Memory
As much as I have cited that I love "Abyss of Madness" by George E Atwood. I must confess that I remember very little of the book comparatively on what the book really entails. At least, one day after I finished reading the book, I feel that I remember way lot more than what I remember today. It's no debate that our brain is fundamentally poor with memory, we are never going to have 100% vivid memory of our past experiences and memories tend to dilute over time, almost like it has a half-life in which it can only be induced by related events in the 'Now' that gives calling to our memory.
A lot of scientists have dedicated their time studying on how memory works and how to enhance them. Especially when some parts are memory is as crucial as your fucking grades 😭
One of my favorite ones are of from Richard Feynman, the Feynman technique. In the most ironic sense, I think that's what I've been doing with all of my writings... Now that I just realized it the moment I am typing right now. As I would like to quote The Blip: Why life seems to go so fast, years feel like a blip:
I sometimes feel its sad to know that there’s a lot of things that happened and a lot of meaningful memories that happened in quarter 1, 2, 3 of 2023 yet now I feel very little memory of it. I do have pictures of it yet it still feels not as significant to how I remember November through writing. I have very little images of me and her yet somehow the memories formed so meaningful especially if I re-read the articles that I wrote in November.
Now I began to wish that there’s somehow a way to read my own feelings had I took time to write in quarter 1, 2, 3 of 2023. Beautiful moments feel like a blip sometimes. The year is ending as today is 24th of December. Life will always feel like a blip. “Time goes so fast…” quote like that. Maybe it’s due to the circumtances of how the brain handle memory, it’s not so good with vivid memories. Maintaining memory the way it happened requires a significant workload for the brain. It somehow need to recreate not only pictures of the memory but also the emotions involved with may require the brain to release certain neurotransmitter that gave us emotions based on the memory. Accounting there is only a limited amount of resource for the creation of the neurotransmitter it doesn’t make much sense for the brain to keep sustaining the vividity of our memories. Thus if it decreases the sensation of the memories, it’s nicer to accept things as the way it is and only through carved memories using medium of visual and audiotory sensations, we can recall memories even in greater detail and hope to juggle the brain ability to recall closer to the sensation.
The purpose of the writing is not only for the sake of mere “remembering”, but as these experiences will subconsciously form your characater as you deem the experiences are to be important, it is much nicer to be able to recall the meaningful memories in greater detail.
and how The Intent: Emphasizing the Intent of Creating Arts has stated on between differentiating memory capability between pictures and words:
I really love writing. I love reading back to my previous articles and remember how things were. I kept saying this but it's actually not "A picture is worth a thousand words." But a picture is merely a picture, words reperesents a whole different thing. A description of how much you appreciate life at that very moment in which you can look back is much more than just a picture. Those two are totally different things.
and how The Visit to Memory Lane states:
As much as The Art will now serve as an insanely strong staple on the situations that unraveled from September to November 2023. And how The Solitude will serve as an insanely strong staple on how you come to really like being alone at times, the important series of events that have happened in the past that shapes your personality and intensity of emotions as a person.
The Heights of the Human Experience website will serve as a trip down the memory lane. As a human experiencing experiences. The heights of it, the heights of despair, the heights of happiness, and everything in between.
and how The State: States as staple that grounds meaningful memories states:
Through these writings days feels much more memorable and alive. Frankly, there are times in my life when I feel “Fuck, months passed by so fast, It’s almost as if last year was yesterday.” I will not say the same for this year. This year has been fucking massive. Overall net fucking positive experience. Through the cliff of sadness, tragedy, unrequited love, and much more. The fucking mountains of value overshadows the fucking cliff. I’m glad I was sad. I’m glad the state of extreme sadness enabled me to produce such extremely invaluable lines of thoughts. In which that is not only valuable to me but also for other people.
Our emotions are the essence of why we are alive. What are we without our ability to feel? Remembering how our emotions came into being makes us feel more alive. Writing helps remember us the important times and moments that we feel strong emotions, thus makes us feel more alive. Memory and remembering the things that our "alive" days gives us soul in the "Now".
Coming back to richard feyman and his feynman techniques:
The Feynman Technique is a four-step process for understanding any topic. This technique rejects automated recall in favor of true comprehension gained through selection, research, writing, explaining, and refining.
But what I want to emphasize is only the writing part. It told us to after you "learned" something, try to write it in a way that you can explain it very simply. By doing that, you will have better comprehension of the subject and will have a stronger memory since you understand it very well and thus excel in your test. I do the feynman technique when I was still in school and it helps with my memory; as it gets stronger.
This could also be the same with me and the books that I've read. The ability to interpolate those subjects into personal philosophy.