Yesterday I attended my company global meeting online. It was basically a yearly call where the CEO talks about the progress of the company as well the plans moving forward. I work in a consultant company. Before this I worked for my own startup where I was the leader of the company. I somewhat understand the pressure and the importance on how to keep everyone inline and hopefully have the same motivation as me so they would understand the meaning why they work and not just bail on the next great thing and leave my company. Leaders are people who other people looked up to. When I was listening to my CEO, I was baffled at how well planned and thought of his words are and how fucking motivated he is. It’s almost as if “Fuck, I believe in this guy! This guy is amazing! I can put my trust in this guy!”
I never really romanticize the idea of a consultant company until I am exposed to this company. People can say consultants are bluffers and unimportant but since I’m really philosophical about things and want to know the meaning behind regularities of things, I became to formulate why consultancy is beautiful. Consultancy is an act of service towards other businesses. In a form of shared values between one company to another. Consultant companies help businesses evolve. In order for consultant company to be able to help them they must have an edge on WHY they are credible enough to help them and in return the client pay for their service. A credibility or testimony that is laid out on the business proposal document, that showcased that the consultant company has talent in solving problems that the new client is looking for a solution. It’s symbolic in and out itself much like humanity. Humans can’t live and can’t stand being useless. Though, the current circumstances literally prohibits most humans to be useless, otherwise they would starve to death. From the resources available around us, we must be able to forge ourselves something of talent that can be useful for other humans and be provided with monetary value of money. It’s a mutual beneficiary relationship that revolves around value creation. That’s what we’ve all been doing!
Though the complexity makes it seem it depends on how the person pictured it. People can hate their company as their boss treated them like shit and see the company as just cash machine. While the CEO of the company could also look at their employess as disposable resources. But not my CEO, my CEO looked at the employees as valuable individual that is unique each to its own and is crucial part of the company. It shows by the act of care and culture he tried to bring within the company. I was forged into the culture where I have almost every bi-weekly drinking session with my colleage and even my boss when I can talk with my boss about anime and even about his girlfriend! As he could wear off his mask as my boss and become my friend. It’s important for my well being that I don’t see my colleage as vicious zero sum game towards promotion but rather working harmonously as friends towards greatness. It also shows how my boss spend his time to thank his employees personally as he says something along the lines of “Honestly, we couldn’t have done this without you, each and every one of you.” I felt like an important human being even though I’m only in the company for 5 months.
When I started my startup I was driven by the idea of creative entrepreneurship and leadership. I was in my first year of university and was too fucking unamused on how lacking in practicality of value generation from the knowledge. The university also taught me that the purpose of being enrolled in an university is so that you can become a useful human being. I thought to myself “Then why the fuck the courses lack practicallity of usefullness? Why must I wait until I graduate so I can be useful? Why can’t I do it now?” Then I read a lot of startup books and how much I was mesmerized the idea of a person can take knowledge that he knows and bend materials through his driving force of passion to create something of value. I found the idea is much more entertaining to the mind than attending lectures. I began to skip a lot of lectures in my university and learnt computer science on my own. I was partaking on a bioengineering major where the bottleneck to value generation was quite high as its knowledge requires rigorous and requires expensive machines. I want something more practical and I see myself doing coding. The startup was my life as I embed myself towards the art that I’m creating. Day by day, night by night.
“There must be something that I can create something of value.” I had so many ideas and that time and obviously not all of them worked until I settled with the idea of the healthcare sector. At that time I was on my own and created the prototype of the machine. My friends who were there at that time was astonished how dedicated I was to my art. The stranger from my dormitory that I ask if he has time so he can tell me where I do wrong on my breadboard because I never have any electronics courses and would like to have a teacher. Maybe out of my eyes that is crying in passion he obliged. The prototype ended up working and I enroll myself to one of the best startup incubator in my country. Now I know that I have credibility I can convince other humans to work on the thing I believe. I talk to strangers and pitch my idea and interview them on my own. I analyze if they may have the passion as me and would like to spare their time of the little time they have in this life to work on my idea that I hope has a intertwine of a shared value to them.
I began to create somewhat of a small team in which I can distribute workload more evenly now as I don’t have to work on my own anymore. We were happy. We found harmony in working together and have daily meetings on how much we’ve accomplished yesterday and what are the things we need to accomplish tomorrow. The essence of the daily meeting become stronger and stronger as we became more engrained to one another. A person from my startup has a problem with depression that I never know. As we have become close to one another. She could opened up her shell that she has formed towards other people that may or may not been unitentionally forged by series of distrust, hate, worthlessness, and alienation that came from experiences with other people. I became to understand more about the important of mutual human understanding as I learn how to tell her that she is something of value as a human.
I never know how I would be able to fall into depression 3 years after our intial meeting as I talk to her and in return she helped me and gave me guides on how to overcome panic attacks that come with depression. She also taught me one of the best way to cope is through writing as it helps understand where the sadness is really coming from. A real path towards self-reflection and prevention for sadness to ever becoming again. Writing can only do so much and it’s never like there’s a perfect piece that ends all sadness. But I learned at least through reason and understanding at least the same soure of sadness can be understood. One of it was to see the ability to see the value in being sad. As I wrote in “The Bias”, sadness is something of a human experience that needs to be embraced as how can you be human without the ability of being sad in the first place? If anything, sadness is a part of what makes you human. Even though depression take it to another level or sadness as the daily life you used to know becomes bleak and literally neurologically lacking in motivation to do the things you used to like. Even if its the things as mundane and as easy as eating and talking to friends. The dopamine is just not there. I was just so tired all the time. I felt dead inside.
Through a series of self reflection from writing and reading philosophy of depression and insanity I became in love with philosophy itself. Chasing the knowledge on why humans do the things they do. What drives them into doing something of value to them. I didn’t do that out of want but rather, out of need. Because it was literally my last option, I either understand myself or I would be clouded by the pressure of depression and the pain would drive me to kill myself as I experienced it a lot of times that I’m on the edge of insanity and suicide.
Now people can enjoy my writing and ask me “How come you’re able to write so many things in a short period of time?”
It’s just not that I know a lot about things, it’s more about “Had I not write these things, I would’ve been dead.” It was one time my only path towards overcoming the sheer pressure of the wretched recknoning of depression that kept pulling my leg to the abyss. I don’t want to go back into the abyss again. I would do anything but to go back into the abyss. I don’t want to be unable to see myself in the mirror again. Please. It was too painful. The pressure was too extreme. It’s almost as if something enermous above my head is crushing my skull as the voices gets too intense and I couldn’t help but to harm myself.
You may not understand the heights of depression as you never experienced such and it’s impossible to describe feelings. Words can only do so much to explain. The ability to mentally project the self to become another through just reading of the words is also an ability that not everyone has to some certain extent.
Through this ideas and crying out loud for meaning has forged me to become the person who I am today. I couldn’t help to be proud of myself. I want to create something of art that could help other people. Introduce concepts that are unfamiliar to people. To make people talk about the human condition. To minimize conflicts between other humans so they can achieve something of greatness. To make people live harmonously as they can find meaning in being human. To prevent people from comitting suicide. As much as Arthur Schopenhauer, George E Atwood, Albert Camus, Schreber, and countless other artists that have helped me overcome my depression. I want to become like them. And I believe I can become like them.
Like my CEO that can give other people hope to other people. In all linguistic sense I want to be the servant of value. The most human attributes amongst all attributes.