Today is my brother's birthday. I practically encouraged my parents to buy a cake alongside a candle set. I don't always care about birthdays, in fact, there are more times I don't care than I care about it. My birthday is at May, most frequent for exam session. I haven't had my birthday celebrated in some years now, I began to grow numb that I just (I think), consciously chose to not care about it. There's nothing inherently bad about it but as I grow to be more philosophical of the human condition, birthday feels like, 'why don't I celebrate a day that marked that I lived?' Otherwise, my birthday will just feel like any other day, and many of my birthdays have been exactly like that, just another day.
Last year was the most funny I think, I don't think there were more than 5 people who knew but I don't seem to care.
It's not like I don't have good friends, but if they don't know, then they don't know and I don't want to make a big deal out of it nor I expect anything. Plus me and my family have monetary issues to actually create a birthday party and to invite people, quite frankly we never done that and I don't have any problem with that, I understand the whole situation.
One day I watched a video that randomly got reccomended to me, it was nothing special, it was just a birthday clip in which there's a kid who got his birthday celebrated by his friends on a garage, the context was that he helped on the garage a lot with his mechanic friends, he was told to buy a 1 litre coke and when he got back he was surprised to see a birthday cake lighted up with candles.
I don't know what's wrong with me but I cried after watching that. I don't know if it's a normal reaction, I can only speak for myself that I may have an issue with my sense of self belonging. Especially after my startup dies, which I have a very deep attachment to it, not only for the sake of the startup but with the people inside it. The '2020 Article' may shed a light on why. 'The Joy' Article as my best effort trying to define 'what is normal'.
Through the effort of understanding myself through writing.
I have realized that solitude gave me an uncanny sense of warmth.
Because the only person that can understand me is myself.
I enjoy living, even if it means accounting the days I cried.
I realized that through sheer effort of self reflection and pulling myself up through exercising self awareness in the moments that I am alone. I found within myself, a sense of living. The happiness that comes from understanding myself and my sadness. To know that all of it was just the consequences of being human, or rather, part of the human experience.
I like to write because some of my writings remind me that 'I have lived', even if it means carving the bad things to stone on what makes me, me.
Through the aloneness of myself and to the comfort that I have built that I enjoyed having my birthday not being celebrated, there's nothing good or bad about it, yet I don't understand why must I cry watching that video, why must my emotions of sadness seem reflesive? Why must it overwhelmed me?
Until I realize, that's just what it means to be human.
The world just has become sort of 'retarded' with its new terms like 'ick' to see/know someone cries.
Sociopaths will absolutely walk the earth and spit on people who they deem below them.
Dehumanizing tears, dehumanizing the very own thing that makes people human.
Suicie rates may continue to still go on an uptrend when self-alienation is still the norm.